Adventures in Parenting - Saving the Drama for Mama...


I had to have a heart-to-heart with my oldest this evening.  I picked the kids up at school, and she was coloring in the cafeteria by herself.  While that isn't unusual, because she loves drawing, she did look sad.  When we left I asked her what was wrong and she said she had a rough afternoon.

She has a friend, we'll call her J, that she was trying to ask a question.  J kept screaming "NOOO!" in her face when she would try to talk.  Brie didn't know whether or not J was upset with her, or just trying to be funny.  When J continually wouldn't answer her, Brie went into the bathroom to cry.

Now mind you, this isn't the first run-in with J.  About a month or so ago, J decided that she didn't want to be friends with Brie because another one of their friends accidentally sat on her glasses, and since she and Brie were friends, J no longer wanted to be friends with Brie.  I tried to explain to her that maybe J was upset about her glasses and was saying things she really didn't mean.  Not an excuse to treat "friends" like crap by any means, but I told Brie that maybe over the weekend, cooler heads would prevail and they would be friends once again.  Sure enough, Brie said that J apologize to her and the friend that ACCIDENTALLY broke the glasses, and all was well again.

Cut to today.  Can I tell you how tired I am of hearing J's name associated with making my daughter cry?? I told Brie that while I would not be the mother who said "I don't like J and I don't want you to be friends with her", I did want her to know that I didn't think J sounded like a very good friend.  I told Brie that she is an amazing and wonderful girl, and she shouldn't feel the need to have friends that make her feel bad, especially when she has so many other friends that don't treat her that way.  I also told her that she could always talk to me about anything (which she said she knew, so that made me feel good) and that I was here to listen.

We came back from picking up Shmoo from daycare and Brie asks me, "Mom, do you think I'm too kind?"  That made my heart hurt.  Brie is loving and compassionate.  She has loads of friends, so much so that her Dad says she's the Beyonce of day camp because as soon as she walks into the room, kids run up and give her crazy hugs.  I love that my daughter is so sweet...but I also know it comes at a price.

I explained to her that while I don't think there's such a thing as being too kind, people will take advantage of her kindness.  I took a lesson from National Treasure Shannon Sharpe and told her that she was a giver.  She gives her friends all that she has.  I also told her that some people are takers; they will take everything you give them while giving nothing in return.  I told her that she shouldn't be afraid to be strong, and stop takers from taking advantage of her kind heart.  I told her that she could decide whether or not someone's friendship was worth not being happy.  For me, that answer is always going to be no (shout out to my husband for showing me the way), but she had to make that decision for herself.  If J is someone that makes her feel bad more than she makes her feel good, then she should not feel bad about stepping back from J.  When we got home, Brie asked if she could have a few minutes in her room before she finished her homework.  I knew she was going up there to cry.  I want to protect my children from everything, but I know girl drama comes with the territory.

I want my daughters to be loving and kind and strong and sincere and amazing.  I don't like when other people try and steal their joy.  Brie has her own challenges without bullshit being heaped on her by another child that clearly enjoys being the center of attention.  Honestly, I would love to be that parent that tells her not to be friends with J anymore, but I also want my daughters to be able to think for themselves, with a little guidance from us parental units of course. It reminds me of an incident a few years ago.  Brie was playing with friends, when all of a sudden one of the girls (younger and smaller, I might add) screamed at Brie to go to time out and not come out until she said so.  Um, excuse me?  You wanna try that shit again?!?!  Brie was in tears when I picked her up from aftercare.  We talked about it, and I told her that she doesn't EVER have to let her friends speak to her that way and she should feel entirely free to tell her "DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!"  The first thing Brie asked was "can I say it nicer than that?"  Inside my head, I'm screaming "NO!  BE AGGRESSIVE!  LET THAT CHICK KNOW YOU ARE NOT THE ONE!!"  My outside voice told her that she could say it however she wanted, but make sure they knew she wouldn't be treated that way.

Brie is only aggressive with her younger brother.  I grew up an only child, so I have to get my cues on the sibling dynamic from my husband.  I just want her to stand up for herself...not be so timid.  I'm afraid of people taking advantage and walking all over her.  She's too amazing of a person to have to deal with that shit all of the time.

How would you handle it?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Comments

Popular Posts